The beginning of the school year holds promise for every student---a fresh start, a new grade, a new teacher. Maybe even a new school. To ensure your child has a great year, find ways to help him or her build their self-esteem.
As a parent you want the best for your child and you may sometimes feel unsure about how to help him or her develop a positive self-image. Self-esteem is not something that can be “given” to your child. It is, however, something that can be fostered by understanding what promotes self-esteem and what gets in the way of a healthy view of the self.
Children who experience an impaired sense of self-esteem are often anxious, angry and/or depressed. They may act impulsively, avoid new situations, lack motivation and persistence, bully or behave aggressively toward other children or adults. Children who have low self-esteem often have little confidence in their ability to control themselves (behave appropriately, do well in school, sports, etc.) and influence their environment.
Validate their experiences and emotions.
The first step to building a solid sense of self in your child is to consistently provide a positive and accepting mirror. This is done by accepting and reflecting your child’s feeling state, whatever their feelings are in the moment. Many parents have the misconception that accepting and reflecting means communicating to their children that whatever they are doing is also ok. This may or may not be the case. The important thing that you should be focused on when validating your child, are your child’s feelings and experiences. Their behavior is a separate issue.
For example, your child may be hurt by some unkind words from a sibling and has taken revenge by destroying the sibling’s favorite toy or game. First, acknowledge the feelings without condoning the behavior. Do this by stating what you are observing about their feelings and the boundaries about the behavior: “I understand that you are feeling very angry and hurt by what Johnny said, and that is ok; however, damaging your brother’s toy is not ok, and has to stop.”
Second, express to your child that you want to understand him/her and that whatever the feelings are will not harm their relationship with you. Your child may express strong feelings of anger or dislike with which you disagree. It is important to share that you see things differently (“Even though he teased you and hurt your feelings, I know your brother loves you.”) without invalidating their experience (“Don’t say that about your brother!” or “You don’t really hate your brother!”).
Once you have dealt with helping your child express and process their emotions, if the situation involved behavior that needs to be addressed, be sure to follow up with a consequence that does not undermine all your great work up to this point.
The 3 R’s of Discipline.
Consequences for inappropriate behavior should follow the general guidelines of the 3 R’s: Reasonable, Respectful and Related.
Reasonable consequences are proportional to the infraction. The key is not to go after a fly with a sledge hammer or try to stop a Mack truck with a feather. In the example above, a reasonable consequence might be to have the child perform a certain number of additional chores around the house to earn enough money to replace the broken toy.
This consequence is also works within the guidelines of the 3 R’s because the child is respected in the process and is preserved as “good”, while the behavior is addressed as “unacceptable” and needing correction. Doing extra work to replace the broken toy is specifically related to the behavior that brought about the consequence.
It is easy to lose sight of keeping consequences related to the unacceptable behavior. If your child has earned a reward (perhaps a trip to Disneyland for good grades), breaking his brother’s toy should not be the reason to take away the reward. That consequence would not be related to the behavior, and runs the risk of being disrespectful, as well as unreasonable.
Become what we wish to teach.
There is no easy way around this one: nothing you can say to your children communicates more powerfully than what you show them by who you are. If you want to teach your child to have a strong sense of self and high self-esteem, develop it first in yourself.
Ask yourself each day, “What can I do today that will improve my self-esteem?” As you cultivate and develop your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem, you will have an increased capacity to support and nurture your child’s. They learn the most about who they are by watching who you are.
Developing Self-Esteem in Children
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